How to Pick Your NCAA Bracket Like a Girl

 
 
 
NCAA mascots

Dude looks like a birdie.

So you think there’s a science and an art to picking your NCAA teams for the big tournament? Witty Little Secret will now completely demystify the annual formula. Here’s how to pick your NCAA bracket like a girl.

By this afternoon, most American employees will succumb to March Madness, a disease that seems to temporarily cure such workplace maladies as deadlines, micromanagers, paperwork, and timecards. The first time I found myself in a male-dominated working environ, I was astounded at the time suck that this annual event drew in. I had no choice but to join them in this odd bonding ritual. The option was to be labeled a non sport-watching girl. I was horrified, since I never EVER watched college basketball.

When I first embarked on my mission for college basketball awareness in 2001, I had a clean 24 hours to come up with my brackets. This was a distressing process for me because I could not research, read, interview, dissect, discuss and digest the plethora of websites and sports shows related to the topic. And lawyers must do this before they make a decision they are going to put in writing. Not only that, extra study and consultation is required when their own money is riding on the outcome.

But there was not time for such tomfoolery. I had to wing it. Lawyer Guideline #2: when the interminable list of duties fails due to procrastination and surprise, “fake it till you make it.” So I went with the complicated decision matrix I’m going to reveal here. This has been a secret of mine for ten years now, and it’s time I revealed my true genius. And it’s all for free.

Early Round Picks – Play the Odds

In the Early Rounds, look down the outermost sides of your bracket and just pick all of the obvious higher-ranking seeds. This means all of the 1,2,3, and 4 seeds move on and all of the 15, 14, 13, and 12 seeds lose. This rules out nearly half of your decisions and makes you look somewhat smart. Now, for the remainder of the teams for the first couple of rounds just pick by Vegas odds.

By the way, I highly recommend reading up on how Vegas odds actually work. Ahh, memories. Good thing there were some Cinderella teams that year. I read them all exactly backwards and I still placed in the top half of the competition that round.

Sweet Sixteen – Team Leaders

When you get down to the Regional Semifinals, the picks start getting harder. This is where some serious skill is needed. You will need to make the tough calls by chosing the best team leaders. That’s right. I’m talking about the mascots. I mean they do call it the “Sweet Sixteen” afterall. And that’s just sweet. Who can argue with fur, clothed animals, and people who live for making themselves anonymously ridiculous? I know it’s hard to compare a Jayhawk to a Wolverine, and it does seem somewhat subjective, but look at it this way: there’s really no shame in any of your choices. They are all equally pretty. So pick confidently!

Elite Eight – Off The Rack

Isn’t it obvious? This is the elite round, people. Pick the team with the most stylish uniforms. This methodology really threw me off in the years when they started bringing back the retro-duds and the new tighter designs. I just had such a hard time voting for basketball players in trim-fitting v-neck vests.

Final Four – Suck it Up

Look, if you thought the Elite Eight was hard, let me tell you, this round is even harder to pick. If you haven’t watched a game all season, you’d better have plenty sports fans in your life that want to impress you with their NCAA prowess. Go ask for advice and get some good information based on the bracket you’ve filled out so far. Don’t worry about how hard they laugh when they see that you still have Villanova in the running for the playoffs. All it means is that you now know who to eliminate. Be sure to make some comment about how your cousin goes to school there and he “made” you pick them. Also, be sure to actually pick the team your boss recommends when he’s the one scoring the brackets. (Another lesson I learned the hard way. Learn from my mistakes, people.)

National Championship Game – Go With the Legacy

Alright, this one is the biggest no-brainer of all. You absolutely positively must pick you or your family’s alma-matter team if they have made it this far. If you don’t have a family legacy like me (Rock Chalk!) then you must pick the school attended by a family member who is a fervent basketball fan. If you have more than one choice, pick your richest relative. In the unfortunate event that you don’t have any rich old uncles, don’t worry. No matter how poor your relations are, you and your family member(s) can always get behind the old alma-matter and sing songs and jump around like the cheerleader you always wanted to be.

With all that in mind, fill out your brackets and get your money in the pool. You only have a few hours left and you know there’s far too much traffic on the work computers for your boss to actually track your internet usage. Plus, he’s probably on ESPN reading up on best picks as we speak. Good luck, everyone!

NCAA 2011Lori loves March Madness and is a ten-year NCAA bracket participant, which would qualify her as an expert witness if ever that need arose. She has had the privilege of placing in the top five and (theoretically) winning money in several bracket competitions using this foolproof method, which turns out to be just as predictive and successful as the complicated schemes of her actual basketball-watching colleagues and clients.

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18 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: LinkedUp: Bracketology 101, Oregon Championship Revisited - Autzen Zoo
  2. Trackback: Search Term Madness « www.wittylittlesecret.com
  3. Trackback: Selection Sunday & March Madness « i don't cook, i eat
  4. Step-Sister Heidi
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 18:12:16

    Love this post…but you know that I’m going to chime in with the ROCK CHALK, JAYHAWK…GO KU!!!!!
    Hope you’re doing well…think of you and the kids a lot…just wish I had more time to be in touch!!!
    Take care, Heidi

    Reply

    • wittylittlesecret
      Mar 15, 2011 @ 18:30:33

      More family comaraderie (group hug). Go Hawks! I am already being mocked for putting them all the way to the win. Do I care? No, I do not. Those fools are the same ones that root for the Huskies and the Ducks. In basketball … please.

      Reply

  5. berettaluvz26
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 17:39:13

    I have a similar method for football picks. I start with the teams I like… of course they’re going to win every week! Then I go through all the favorites of ex boyfriends…. all those teams are losers. For the final few games, I pick the home team for all but one or two of them. Gotta leave room for an upset or two :)

    The boys hated it when I won!

    Reply

  6. Adrienne
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 15:55:58

    I’m going with KU too, and have had some luck in the past picking like a girl. Thanks for posting!!!

    Reply

  7. The Step-Mom
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 13:47:25

    ROCK CHALK ALL THE WAY — ONLY CLOTHES IN THE CLOSET ARE RED AND BLUE. It is fun to have YOUR team playing and pray they don’t get beat in the first round. So close to Tulsa for the first round but we are staying home and watching on the tube so we can SEE the players. GO HAWKS!

    Reply

  8. Mom
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 10:37:41

    You got it right….Rock Chalk! Jayhawk, KU! All the way!

    Reply

    • wittylittlesecret
      Mar 15, 2011 @ 10:47:24

      Seriously … of all the people visiting my blog today, the only people to post comments are my mom and dad? Embarrasing. But I guess it also proves my hypothesis about going with the Legacy. Family bonding begins … NOW.

      Reply

    • Amy D.
      Mar 15, 2011 @ 14:34:45

      Well, after your reply to your mom’s comment, I feel compelled to add my own 2 cents, but I don’t even know what they are.

      I’ll have something witty or funny to say after your next shopping mishap. Promise.

      Reply

  9. The DAD
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 10:19:11

    For those of you who need appropriate attire for your children so that, “they shall grow in the Way and not depart from it,” go to: http://www.ejayhawk.com/Default.aspx?ctl=Products.Browse&categoryID=2bd36caa-ee6f-424b-bc64-9c639d749fba

    Reply

  10. Trackback: Need help picking your NCAA brackets? Click here : Yadkin Valley Sports
  11. The DAD
    Mar 15, 2011 @ 06:51:16

    Bracketology 101 can best be resolved by a quote my former next door neighbor, Phanton Driver Mick Sumnick, who said, “A quick decision made with sufficient information is better than a perfect decision made after exhaustive investigation.” Ahhh… spoken like a true fighter pilot. Now, QUICK! Who among you does NOT believe that KU will win the National Title?!

    Reply

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  13. Lori Volkman @ Witty Little Secret
    Aug 31, 2013 @ 20:21:21

    During football season no less. No idea.

    Reply

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