Freshly Repressed

If you were somehow trapped under a rock, admitted to the hospital for a rare debilitating (but short in duration) disease, did not see one of my blubbering Facebook posts, or were not one of the seven random strangers who I held hostage to discuss “blogging” yesterday, then you may not know that Monday’s post from Witty Little Secret was featured on probably the leading blog publishing website, known as WordPress. Yay for WordPress! Yay for Witty Little Secret! *Shivers*

One of the most rewarding moments was realizing that I had real live spam. Bona-fide Russian, Singaporian, Levitra-selling spam. Point of fact, I got more of that delectable canned meat in one day than total words I’ve written so far. I must admit, I very nearly approved my personal favorite just to memorialize the event. It read, “I pronounced to remember it as a cyclopean investment; an agency gambler in cleaner feet.”  Isn’t it beautiful? It could have been written by Hemingway himself.

So this must be what hittin’ the big-time feels like, folks. I know, you’re jealous. In a few short hours over four thousand people found their way to ooo and aah over my one month-old baby blog. Four thousand. I can’t even envision what four thousand people in one room looks like. (Really, I can’t. I don’t do numbers. But I know it’s a lot.)

wordpress family blogs

The main portal to Wordpress is this checkered recommendation of ten or so featured posts, collectively entitled “Freshly Pressed.”  Every blogger enters the site here, to peruse the charmed, hypothesize about why the editors loved these stories, and plot their own schemes to get noticed. Frankly, why in the world this editor liked Witty Little Secret is a complete mystery to me. I always assumed these were big-time blogs with lots of notoriety and attention, not one-woman diaries lacking in readership and containing inane subjects explained without proper punctuation leading to incredibly long superfluous hyphen-rich but often well-understood sentences. I never dreamed I’d see my blog on that marquee, not in a bajillion years. I realized for the first time that somebody other than my mother was actually interested in reading this thing.

That’s when it happened …

“What if they come back? What if I’m not funny tomorrow? What if they DON’T come back? What if I never get noticed again? Did I really fritter away my one morning of fame by standing in front of the courthouse in the rain bragging to that smelly guy wearing a tinfoil hat? Why did he call me Winnifred? What if Oprah calls? Should I go on a crash diet? Who’ll watch the kids? Do I need a publicist? Should I let the Wall Street Journal know?”

And then, no matter how hard I tried, I absolutely could not write. I’m pretty sure it was an undiagnosed case of performance anxiety. I was willing, but my body would not cooperate. Now that I was famous, there were expectations. Responsibilities. Duties. I was suffocating, crushed by the weight of my own fame. I was frantically emptying my pockets, looking for that little blue pill that would relieve me of my problem. And then, it hit me. I just needed to check my stats.

That’s right. The girl who hates numbers l-o-v-e-s her stats. Because when your blog is doing well, you just l-o-v-e to look at yourself in the mirror. See, WordPress gives you these pretty pictures that represent site visits, with racy colors and lots of buttons. It’s all so very sexy. This was definitely going to get me in the mood to write. I made my plan. I would look around, admire my huge bar, see where my voyeurs, er, visitors were coming from, and close my eyes. I would imagine them reading my posts, throwing their heads back in laughter, “Ah ha haha, you’re sooooooo witty! I just can’t wait to read your next post!”

I was getting frothed up. Yeah. I was gonna like it … and you know what I got?

bird flipping statistics

Bird-flipping Fame Karma

That’s right. The finger. My stats flipped me the freakin bird.

What’s the meaning of this!? It charmed me, flirted even. It loved me and threw me away like a truck stop whore. I felt used. Abused. Dirty.

Blogland, listen up. Let this be a lesson to you all. You wanna know where you end up the day after your one night stand with Freshly Pressed? You’re a has-been on the blogging-room floor, flipped off by your own graphic numerical representation thingys. You’re a reveller of distant memories, you’re Delta Dawn, longing for your long-lost lover, doomed to walk the halls of the courthouse regaling the day you were published and adored by the world. It’s a fleeting moment, friends. Take it in, breathe deeply and smell the cyber attention. Hold it there as long as you can, exhaling only after you realize that once it’s gone, you’ll be left with the one and only thing you have left in this world:

your own words.


19 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Road to Recovery « Witty Little Secret
  2. Trackback: Ten Thousand! « Witty Little Secret
  3. J.W. Nicklaus
    Nov 27, 2010 @ 09:38:29

    It seems the posts with the most genuine honesty have the most effect, and tht is as it should be. If you can connect with the reader—as you certainly have—then you have done your job as the writer. An equitable tradeoff of their time for your words.

    Well done, WLS! I certainly wish you continued success, and far fewer birds ;^)


  4. transplantednorth
    Nov 06, 2010 @ 13:55:28

    thank you for posting about being post-freshly pressed. I got Freshly pressed about my blog about Halloween. I thought I would get 5,000 subscribers, every day I would have at least 1,000 visitors, and someday soon I would get the book deal.

    None of this has happened and I feel so cheap! Alas, I only got 13 readers today and I completely obsess over my stats.
    I’m glad I’m not the only one who feels this post-pressed depression, but keep writing, you are very funny!


  5. Trackback: I’ll Take Scars Over The Living Dead Anyday « Witty Little Secret
  6. alienhippy
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 11:33:23

    I think you are hilarious, and I am SO glad I subscribed to your blog on your Freshly pressed day.
    I am dyslexic, I don’t read many blogs because my brain freezes.
    But you crack me up and my little dyslexic/aspie brain just loves your words.
    When I saw how long your post was, I thought…oh dear Lisa, you’ll never get through this, I bet you will manage 2 paragraphs then have to go back to the beginning….lol
    But no…….now this is a massive compliment here, I read the whole post and because you entertained me so much I actually understood every word, and laughed my head off.
    I look forward to your next post.
    Love and hugs. x


    • wittylittlesecret
      Oct 27, 2010 @ 12:39:19

      Please marry me.


    • alienhippy
      Oct 27, 2010 @ 12:49:07

      You’re SO very funny, I don’t really know what to say dear…..Errrrm.
      I ‘m quite taken aback really. In a positive sort of way, don’t get crying now.
      I wasn’t expecting a marriage proposal when I got up this morning, I’m really very flattered…lmho
      YES……I am so glad I found your blog, I have BIG belly laughs.
      Banging foot on floor, nearly peeing myself. X 😀


  7. transplantedx3
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 11:06:16

    I stumbled over you on the day you were Freshly Pressed. In fact I was so ennamoured with your post, I started from the beginning and read all the way through. LOVED IT! I laughed out loud – and I am sitting in a hospital room – so it was very inappropriate 🙂 My sister in law just came home from 12 months in Iraq. I get it. Thank Husband for his commitment to our freedom ~ God Bless you & the wee ones ~Amy


  8. Lindsey
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 09:48:55

    This cracked me up. Blast that siren call of the stats graph, but know you are not the only one lured in!
    Also, richly bizarre prose in your favorite spam comment… wow.


  9. Gina Mortenson
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 08:00:46

    The great news is… you are hysterically funny and they will be back! I am! I never thought about how Freshly Pressed feels on your end. I would be shocked and amazed to see 4,000 people access my blog…can’t really comprehend it. Thanks for the insight. (Wishing myself that WP would give me said ‘finger’…is that wrong?) I know I will see you again on soon Freshly Pressed, you deserve it!


  10. Courtney Emken
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 07:50:21

    I’m proud of you, girl! Now teach me how to read my stats, and add this cool post comment section, would ya?


  11. JuliAnneForrest
    Oct 27, 2010 @ 01:19:57

    LV you are hysterical!!!! I can always be assured that I can get a giggle whenever I open up your page. You just keep writing WHATEVER and we’ll keep reading. And we promise we won’t flip you off! Hugs, J


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