Sleep Becomes Her

I am not sleeping because, according to the Yoga Institute of America, I am not twisting my body into a yoga-sanctioned sleep position. There are only six of them available. That doesn’t sound very flexible to me. What is entertaining is that these people apparently find it important to describe what kind of person you are based on your sleep position. Again, not very flexible.

I’m wondering what it says about your character and integrity if you sleep the way real people do. Personally, I sleep on my stomach with one knee planted firmly in Husband’s back and one hand/elbow poised to strike him in the event of an action-packed dreamworld. My neck is wrenched back and my hair covers my face, but not my mouth, which is gaping open, leaking slobber, and potentially amplifying periodic bursts of snore-like sounds. Very action oriented. Not actual snores. Girls don’t snore.

So here are the sleep positions. I’ve made up my own characteristics for each one because I think I’m more introspective than they are.

What are you?

 

 Foetus.

 This one is too perfect. Who really sleeps this way? Anal retentive princesses, that’s who.

 Anyway, I thought it was called a fetus.

 Anyone?  What’s a foe-tus?

 Next.

 Is it just me, or are these the weirdest names ever?

 “Log?”

 Reminds me of poo. I say this kind of person has a real crappy personality.

 Also, she’s sleeping on her own entire arm.

 I can’t even watch TV this way.

 Not enough room for this foolishness.

 I have two kids, a body pillow, and untold numbers of stuffed animals

 which made their way into –  but not out of – my bed.

 No way.

 We will call this one The Hog.

 Accompanying character traits are self-explanatory.

 I do a version of this one, but I cross my arms.

 Husband calls it The Coffin. Aw, I kinda miss him teasing me about that.

 Still, too creepy. This person is boring.

 All right, these flexipeople officially need a PR person for their naming duties.

 Um, Soldier? Is this as in “at ease” or as in “room temperature?”

 Bad form.

 The name says free-spirited,

 but the position says

 “leave me alone.”

 As schizophrenic as this is,

 it just might be for me.

 Right up until I suffocate myself.

 Finally, the last and only option.

 Is she throwing up her hands in disgust?

 If so, this is one to consider. Totally resigned, that’s me.

 I like it. But I fear it makes your hair flat,

 requiring you to “morning shower.”

And everyone knows you cannot drag yourself out of bed for such luxuries as morning showers when you can’t

GET

any

SLEEP!