Preintegration

reintegration

photo courtesy of annstheclaf at Flikr

Young men came home from World War II in boats. They laid in the belly of a ship and they decompressed over cards and cigarettes for weeks and they talked and they told stories. They heard stories. And they had time to think about their girls back home.

But thanks to modern travel, today’s veterans can be plucked right out of a war environment in the desert and plopped down in the middle of a luxury shopping mall a dizzying twenty-four hours later. Not too great for the romantic homecoming everyone dreams of.

Thank goodness our military is smart enough to realize that our warriors need that decompression chamber. Unfortunately the modern equivalent of the Queen Mary is a combination of red tape, medical exams, and DoD-sanctioned debriefs mixed with mandatory periods of relaxation. However, after seeing what 24 hours of planes trains and automobiles looks like (hint: R&R), I was thankful to have a Husband who was well-rested, clear-eyed, on the right side of the clock, and ready to be here.

I’m told we are now in the phase called Reintegration, but it doesn’t feel like we are integrating anything yet. We’re sort of just standing here looking at each other. When we hold hands, there is still a space between us. It’s really more like Preintegration.

I am quiet mostly because I can’t imagine being inside the mind of a servicemember who first realizes people actually struggle to make decisions like what kind of latte they want to consume that day. It must be unreal to make life and death decisions on a daily basis and then come home to discover you have no control over the mind of your six year-old. If it were me, I would put it all off and just smile and hug my family for a few days, too. So. Preintegration it is.

I’ve been reading all about what is supposed to come next, because the last time I did all this I was a newly married girl with no kids. I mean I don’t even REMEMBER reintegration the last time around. I’m entering unknown territory. Again. Just like everything else in this deployment, I’m totally winging it. At least I get points for consistency.

laughing children

his hands were full

So when Husband came home we basically just hung out for a couple of days. We saw friends. We snuggled. We sat on the couch. We watched football. We tickled. We made and ate some of his favorite foods. We listened to stories. We went on walks. We basically just relaxed.

In all of that, I realized that I didn’t remember how to just “be” with him. When we were alone I sat awkwardly and waited for him to speak. I just stared at him. It wasn’t the “oh I’m so gaga in love with you” kind of staring, either. It was more like the “I wonder what happens if you poke it with a stick and pour salt on it” kind of staring. Not that he’s a slug … gah. I’m so romantic that way.

But when he woke up early one morning and made me a cup of coffee, that’s when I knew my husband was returning. And that meant I could return with him. “Thanks for making me coffee,” I said, smiling and batting my eyes. “It’s my job” he joked.

Oh yeah, it’s his job. Oh yeah! It’s his job!

You see, I pretend that being the honored recipient of this tradition puts me on par with the likes of Michelle Obama and Laura Bush, who I’ve heard routinely have their morning cup of First Lady coffee made lovingly by their presidential husbands. Because yeah. Me and the First Lady. We’re like this.

But the best part of this beautiful ritual is that I have never once asked my husband to make coffee. Not once. One morning I simply woke up tired and late, and he made me a steaming sweet cup of wake up. I must have been in a good mood because I took a sip and said, “Oh. Thank you so much. I love it when you make me coffee. It makes me feel like a princess.”

After that, he started making the coffee. Every single morning, without being asked. And I always said thank you. And I always meant it.

By the way, don’t get any bright ideas and blame me if this method doesn’t work for you. For example I tried it with “I love it when you put the toilet lid down because it makes me feel like such a princess.” But it’s pretty hard to refer to a repository for stinky bodily functions and simultaneously refer to yourself as royalty.

Finding a fresh pot of coffee became such a lovely ritual for me that I remember standing over my kitchen sink crying that first morning after he left, like I didn’t know how to operate a simple piece of machinery. That’s why this morning, here, now, was so beautiful. When I woke up and smelled the steam that was wafting up, I sighed out loud. When I saw the heavy moisture that rises up when hot water pours over beautiful shards of crushed brown beans, I smiled. And then I almost cried again.

I know there will be more days. There will be days where I stare into my reflection in the bottom of the cup and wonder how I’m going to convince my husband that logic is not the only factor in decision-making. There will be days where I do poke him with a stick in an attempt to see if he will actually bleed, or cry, or express an emotion I haven’t seen in a while. And there will be days when I get up and grumble, and forget to say thank you for my cup of coffee.

But for now, we have Preintegration. For now, we have the honeymoon. And for now, I will sip and smile and remember that I’m not the one making the coffee.

Mmmmm. That’s nice. Thank you.

13 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Objects in Mirror are Closer Than They Appear « www.wittylittlesecret.com
  2. Rebekah Sanderlin
    Dec 02, 2011 @ 12:15:54

    I’ve long called the deployment cycle “Wait-Honeymoon-Suck,” as in WAIT your way through a deployment, get all giddy during the week before and first weeks after reintegration/HONEYMOON period, and then suffer through the prolonged SUCK that is the first months of reintegration. Thrilled to hear your SUCK hasn’t really sucked!🙂

    For us (eight deployments now and a 9th & 10th already scheduled) the worst usually hits around the 2nd month he’s home. That’s when I stop being able to bite my tongue about him putting stuff in the wrong place or doing things wrong, and that’s when he usually likes to remind me that the problems we have here at home pale compared to what he’s experienced in combat. (which is true, but…who wants to hear that?)

    And then, around month 4 things usually get really good. The kids stop telling on him (“Mom, Dad just …..”) and we fall into old routines and create new ones. Unfortunately, that’s usually about the time we find out about the next deployment, and then Wait-Honeymoon-Suck starts all over again…

    Reply

  3. chambanachik
    Dec 02, 2011 @ 10:53:54

    🙂 So wonderful. I’m glad you have those cups of coffee again.

    Reply

  4. DogBoy
    Dec 01, 2011 @ 16:17:38

    Cream and sugar?

    Reply

  5. Big Al
    Dec 01, 2011 @ 09:52:52

    Fascinating post Lori. I was wondering how things were going for you guys. That picture with the kids is priceless. They’re saying more with those laughs than you could have said in a thousand words.

    Reply

  6. Amy
    Dec 01, 2011 @ 08:27:58

    The part about deciding what kind of latte to have really struck me. When I went to Nicaragua, I felt that way coming back. It was like I wanted to scream at people, because this was a hard decision! but on the other side of the world, kids were starving.

    And then, having no control over a 6 year old. Lol!

    The princess thing doesn’t work here. Darn it!

    Reply

  7. jenschwab
    Dec 01, 2011 @ 06:15:07

    For me, it was magical when I heard the words, “No, we don’t treat mommy that way. Go say you’re sorry.”

    Magic.

    It’s been three months of now. Last week he made the discovery that he doesn’t have to save the world anymore, and it’s like the sun has come out again!🙂

    Reply

  8. thinit2winit
    Dec 01, 2011 @ 05:53:06

    Lori, I’m so glad to hear that things are moving along in the right direction, regardless of the pace. Next week it will be a year since my hubby returned from deployment #3, and this whole year has pretty-much SUCKED. He has only recently begun to remember & pick up his old habits & routines, & a few new ones that truly delight me. I think I can finally relax & say that he’s REALLY home now. And that by itself makes me feel BETTER than royalty.

    Reply

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