I’m sorry for the long vacation from writing, blogworld. I will be back in the swing of things this week with a post or two. The details and the run-around and the chaos of being a full-time working single mom really caught up to me. I took a little writing vacation for a week. But don’t worry, there was plenty of angst and inappropriate belching combined with tear-jerking sentiment to fill the next few posts.

In the meantime, consider this a sequel to my previous post concerning the best search terms people enter to arrive at this witty little site. Even though I didn’t write last week, these search terms led people to come and read what I had posted here. When I read these funny statistics, I automatically imagine the person who entered the search term into Google or Bing or Yahoo. So here are my predictions and predilections concerning those mysterious identities and what they were really looking for.

Top Search Terms Last Week:

“Violence Elmo” – The fact that there is even a sub-culture keenly aware that there may be such a thing as “Violence Elmo” (I checked, and there is) frightens me. Who wants to hurt Elmo? Oh yeah, I do.

“Fix A Woman” – Really? I thought only women Googled “fix a man.” This led the searcher to my Fix It Woman post about getting my fingers super-glued to the butt of a plastic horse. No tips there for fixing a woman unless you are considering a mix of superglue, gorilla glue, and epoxy. Let’s hope that was just a typo and move on.

“What Means to Make Number Two” – I’m pretty sure this answer was not revealed on my blog either, but I can see where a non-English speaker could get confused. You’ve got coming in second place, and you’ve got Poo. And adding to the confusion, poo is way bigger and better and probably deserves to be number one. But alas, it is not. The searcher was led to my post Number Two, and I Don’t Mean Poo which was about the second phase of the cycles of deployment. I believe violence was involved. So yeah, not helpful. The searcher is now probably thinking we like to call ourselves “poop” when we come in second place. Which, yeah, Americans generally do say that.

“Explaining Lawyer to Preschoolers” – I’ve tried buddy, I’ve tried. You don’t make a widget, and you help people argue. Every waking hour, Preschoolers are taught to cooperate, share, not whine or cry, and to speak nicely to get what they want. Give it up. It will not make sense to them.

“My Preschooler Said the F-Word” – Well at least I know I’m not alone. Now this is where my post Using the F-word When Your Mom is a Lawyer really paid off for someone. Because now they know exactly what NOT to do. This leads to my next best search term for the week …

“What Will Happen if I Say the F-Word at School” – This kid has some deviant kind of mind premeditating f-bombs like that. Yet this person was afraid enough of the answer to turn to the internet for advice instead of an older sibling or a friend. So I’m going with nine year-old parochial school boy, here.

“Fancy Way to Ask Go Urinate” – I really have to go with another foreigner, here. But why would you WANT to ask to urinate in a fancy way? Are we talking about fancy urinating or fancy asking here? Because not saying anything at all would have to be the way to go in my book. Or maybe this person meant “formal” instead of “fancy.” If that’s the case, go ahead buddy. Just say it the way you searched it. “I must urinate. May I urinate, now?” That works. I’m hoping this was a theoretical question, and not one of urgency.

Here it is. The best search term:

“Woman beerunning” – Now, this led the searcher to my post about running a half marathon for the first time. So what is interesting is whether the searcher really meant bee-running (which is what I looked like limping and weaving across the finish line) or whether the searcher was alluding to the mobilly disenfranchised (white trash) custom of sending the woman of the house out for beer at various intervals during the big game. With NCAA in the mix right now, I’m pretty sure we all know what this search term meant: a man somewhere was attempting to convince a woman that this was a bona-fide thing. Woman beerunning. And so, of course, spelling it wrong goes with the territory.

HAPPY MONDAY. Let’s get on with it …


1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Kim Sarantakes
    Mar 28, 2011 @ 11:07:27

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! LOL!!!! Thank you for the comic relief!


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