RE: EARRINGS FOR SWEET PEA
I have been reluctantly retained by your daughter, Sweet Pea, regarding the above-referenced matter. According to my client’s account of events, you have systematically and unilaterally denied her requests for ear piercings without regard for her personal and emotional well-being (i.e. “you are sooo mean”).
Please allow me to identify on her behalf the positive attributes which she has colorfully expressed in support of ear-piercings:
1. Significant Mechanism for Responsibility. The degree of care and responsibility required for piercings will reinforce maturation. Freshly poked lobes must be disinfected daily for six weeks, and evidence supports that actions repeated over six weeks is proximately linked to the formation of positive habits.
2. Opportunity for Natural Consequences. Sweet Pea concedes that in the unlikely event she is unable or unwilling for any reason to adequately disinfect her lobes for the duration of the aforementioned period, she will acquiesce and accept the natural consequences, including but not limited to (1) earlobe infection, puss, pain and/or swelling; (2) being forced to let the holes grow closed; and (3) humiliation amongst her peers. These consequences make failure highly unlikely.
3. Increase in Self-Esteem. While there is ample opportunity for self-expression and artistic creative outlet in the second grade, Sweet Pea feels her innermost expression of beauty will shine radiantly forth from her ear lobes. In her own words, “I would so totally love it the mostest in the whole wide world!”
4. Proof of Ability to Withstand High Pain Tolerance. Sweet Pea recognizes the value you place on high pain thresholds, as evidenced by your constant admonition in times of injury, “Don’t Rub It” and “Mind over Matter: If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.” After considering the significant risks and rewards associated with the piercing procedure, and after her mother’s attempts to dissuade her desires by describing the excruciatingly painful process, Sweet Pea is nonetheless determined to overcome her fear of guns and/or needles and/or guns with needles. Frankly, she thinks your primary argument for denial, the fact that you want to be present for the event, is both sick and ingenuine.
Therefore, in support of her request for two single ear-piercings, one on each lobe, please consider the following offer:
– 10 Kit Kat Bars (your favorite) delivered via U.S. Mail, postage prepaid.
– No financial outlay to you; Sweet Pea will finance the piercing service charges and earring purchase.
– Delivery of a full-length (2 minute) feature film ear-piercing documentary starring Sweet Pea.
Sweet Pea believes significant precedent exists at her school to support other females in her class and/or age group who have received such piercings, notwithstanding your personal predilections concerning the appropriate age and level of responsibility required for the proposed procedure.
In addition, she emphatically denies a desire to jump from any bridges, whatsoever.
Please respond at your earliest convenience, after thoughtfully considering the potential infliction of emotional distress you may inflict upon her psyche, and the indelible mark it may leave on HER MOTHER’S ABILITY TO FUNCTION ONE MORE DAY WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THE PAIN AND SUFFERING SWEET PEA IS ENDURING BY NOT HAVING A PAIR OF COTTON-PICKIN’ PIERCED EARRINGS.
Did I mention I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience?
The Attorney Who Accepts Indentured Servitude as a Form of Payment