Salty

On Saturday, August 6, 2011, I woke up early. I started the coffee pot and wandered bleary-eyed out into my driveway for the paper on what promised to be a beautiful summer day. I checked the world news first.

I always check the world news first, these days.

There wasn’t much there. Just protesters promising unrest and violent overthrow in Syria. Just angry Serbian mobs on the Kosovo border. Just Gadhafi propaganda about NATO strikes. These were my husband’s so-called “groundhog days” for the past year. These were what he referred to as the deadly “protest of the month” clubs. Uninterested already, my thoughts turned to the percolation progress of my morning medicine and I wandered back to the kitchen.

I stood impatiently and watched the slow trickle of that holy brown elixir, waiting for enough caffeine to descend into the glass pot to defend stealing an early cup. I flicked on CNN. I like the smell of news in the morning, before the kids wake up. That way I don’t have to keep my thumb poised and ready to strike the “channel up” button at the first sight of armored vehicles or gunfire reels, or bloodied bodies, or a man in a uniform that looks like their daddy.

I thought about my conversation with Sweet Pea the day before …

“Mommy, every time I see a man with brown hair, I think it’s Daddy. And then I get sad because it’s not him.”

“I know, honey. He’ll be home soon. We just have to hang in there a little while longer.”

“Okay, Mommy. I know.”

Lost in that thought I only half-heard the reporter … “It’s top of the hour and we have breaking news out of Afghanistan where it appears a chopper has been taken down with 31 Americans on board, 25 of them believed to be special operations forces.”

I looked up, shocked.

My husband is assigned to a joint special operations group, and my brain immediately and irrationally went to the deepest corners of fear that I keep hidden away. I knew my husband was not among them. He was rarely aboard choppers, and I knew he wasn’t “forward.” I knew if there was bad news, there would have been a Casualty Officer in a crisp Navy uniform and a Navy Chaplain at my front door. I knew, after years of hearing Husband’s instructions, that no news was good news. I convinced myself again by announcing “No news is good news,” in the direction of the front door.

I got a text from a friend attempting to reassure me. It was logic, and I knew it was true: HE’S AS SAFE AS A KITTEN. But I shot a hasty email to Husband anyway. I knew it would sit there in eerie silence. And it felt good to send a message to someone I expected a response from.

“Just getting word of the 31 who died. I’m sorry. Thinking of the friends and families left behind this morning.”

I sipped. And I stared. I got up for another cup.

I slapped my cup down on the counter in anger at the war, this deployment, the newly fatherless children, and the very, very young widows. The force of my own hand surprised me as the cold gritty remains of my coffee sloshed out a little, and I stared at the spill as if leaving it there underlined my anger. It quickly gave way to sadness, and it overtook me. I covered my face and leaned down, the tears streaming quietly behind my closed hands.

I cried.

The reporter blared in the background about the breakup of J-Lo and Marc Anthony and I thought about the irony of my military life: I live a lifestyle that supports and revolves around my husband’s needs, all the while unwittingly developing the very traits that would prepare me for a life without him. Extended separations have required me to be an independent decision-maker and solo parent. Last-minute changes have equipped me with amazing perseverance and flexibility and the ability to eliminate expectations. Moving away from family and friends has made me resourceful and capable of developing deep, meaningful friendships with people who have become a second family. As I contemplated what kind of fate I was tempting by managing to be so strong and independent, my email alert pinged. It was him. I couldn’t open the email fast enough.

The entire message read: “Not a good day for SOF.”

And I breathed. This communication was exactly the kind of understated, brief response I have come to expect from Husband, lately. My emotional deployment rollercoaster has become the yin to his yang – a barely detectable sine wave of predictable, smooth, logical expression. But as I stared at the email, two things struck me.

S3 cat shotFirst, the expression “not a good day” reminded me of the evening he came home to announce he had a “bad day at the office” after losing his canopy mid-flight. There’s something in military lingo about absurdly understated descriptors that tells you how big things really are. I guess it’s like calling an Aircraft Carrier “the boat” or hearing a servicemember describe their actions as “just doing my duty.”

Second, the brevity reminded me of the day Husband called to say “I won’t be home until late. I love you.” As the hours pressed on, the news told me that someone in his squadron had gone into the water, and I knew right away that it wasn’t him. He had communicated that he was not involved.

So whether he intended it or not, this six-word email gave me peace. Logic and training and pre-deployment talks prepared my brain. But the receipt of this six-word email was what my heart really needed to hear in order to start beating again.

This is the blunt pounding wave part of being a military spouse. News of death causes things I’ve put in the back of my mind and heart to become momentarily feasible. Despite what I know is actually true, crushing waves of irrational possibility remind me what Husband is sacrificing. What I’m sacrificing. What my children are sacrificing. The whitewater tumbles me upside down and tosses me to and fro in an indolent tide until I smack the sandy bottom, get my bearings, and manage to come up for a gasp of air. This time, I recovered quickly thanks to a well-timed email.

My husband is in a relatively safe location, and I generally don’t worry about his physical safety. But this grit on my skin … this thin salty haze that seems to have been left behind by my tussle with that wave … I just can’t seem to wash it away. And I have a feeling it’s sticking around for a while.

About these ads

24 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: The Collective Military-Civilian Heartbeat « www.wittylittlesecret.com
  2. Trackback: Filtered Sunshine « www.wittylittlesecret.com
  3. Trackback: Military Widow Survival Guide « www.wittylittlesecret.com
  4. Trackback: Military Widow Survival Guide « www.wittylittlesecret.com
  5. Julie
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 14:07:34

    Again, your writing puts my thoughts into a much more coherent form. I recently heard news of guys killed by rocket attacks on a base. Uggh…yes, I knew it wasn’t my husband’s base and I knew he was fine but I still cried because it could have been him and it was someone else. Thanks again for writing.

    Reply

  6. Big Al
    Aug 11, 2011 @ 08:03:20

    This is a heart-wrenching post as so many of yours are.

    I don’t know if you realize it, but you made a cup of coffee sound like the most pleasurable experience on earth. I’m heading for the urn right now!

    Thanks again for sharing with us.

    Reply

  7. George Sharp
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 13:49:04

    Yes Lori,

    I remember the “bad day at the office” very well. Because Randy and I decided to do one very simple thing, we were able to deal with that problem with minimum drama. That simple thing was to wear our O2 masks while up high. As I recall, this was something that wasn’t standardized / mandatory in the S-3 community until some years later. I believe it was Randy’s first night event in VS-29, and going above 30K wasn’t a usual thing to do. Had we not been wearing masks, we would have been scrambling to get them on or rapidly lose consciousness while trying to figure things out. Our back-seater wasn’t wearing his mask, it flew out the hole, and he passed out! I’ll never forget the satisfied nod from Skipper Carter when I explained what happened and why we decided to wear our masks.

    Regards,
    George Sharp

    Reply

  8. Luise
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 13:06:59

    :) So glad he is okay.

    Reply

  9. Erika @ chambanachik
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 13:04:02

    I remember those heart-sinking moments during deployment all too well. They’re not easily shaken. But those emails or phone calls, however short, are better than any love letter.

    Reply

  10. DogBoy
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 09:00:54

    You do set the tone LV, you do. You grew up on the beach by the waves. You know you can’t always leave the sand or the salt at the beach even if you washed off in the fresh water showers that were provided. Lick your lips and enjoy the taste of the salt. Set the tone in your favor.

    Reply

  11. kristleh
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 08:07:56

    Thank you for sharing Lori, news like this a paralyzing for me, I have been sick to my stomach from the day I found out. I cannot begin to imagine the heartbreak that is happening right now. I don’t want to even try. It serves as a reminder to me though too, that we came sooo close, we were given a second chance, and I catch myself taking it for granted sometimes.

    Reply

  12. deyank
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 06:44:44

    When I see you’ve posted, Lori, it is the first thing I will read that day.because it always sets a tone for me. While I was occasionally put into harms way, I was always surrounded by dedicated Marines (bless them). I also knew that, like you, my wife was a true decision-maker and could carry on if the unthinkable should come to pass. Your husband is a very lucky man.

    Reply

  13. Airforcemike
    Aug 10, 2011 @ 04:57:28

    Lori,
    Thank you for writing and sharing this. I remain humbled by the sacrifices our military spouses and children continue to make for our nation. Many focus only on the deployed military member and forget our “silent heroes” waiting at home who keep us strong and focused and serve right beside us. Both times in Afghanistan I knew my wife was in control which allowed me to focus on my tasks there. Please give our best wishes to Randy and know that he’ll be home soon.

    Reply

Come on ... I know you wanna say something. Go for it.

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

VOTY Reader