Puh-leeze Daddy?

 

girl earlobe

The Bane of Sweet Pea's Existence

RE:  EARRINGS FOR SWEET PEA

Dear Commander,

I have been reluctantly retained by your daughter, Sweet Pea, regarding the above-referenced matter. According to my client’s account of events, you have systematically and unilaterally denied her requests for ear piercings without regard for her personal and emotional well-being (i.e. “you are sooo mean”).

Please allow me to identify on her behalf the positive attributes which she has colorfully expressed in support of ear-piercings:

1. Significant Mechanism for Responsibility. The degree of care and responsibility required for piercings will reinforce maturation. Freshly poked lobes must be disinfected daily for six weeks, and evidence supports that actions repeated over six weeks is proximately linked to the formation of positive habits.

2. Opportunity for Natural Consequences. Sweet Pea concedes that in the unlikely event she is unable or unwilling for any reason to adequately disinfect her lobes for the duration of the aforementioned period, she will acquiesce and accept the natural consequences, including but not limited to (1) earlobe infection, puss, pain and/or swelling; (2) being forced to let the holes grow closed; and (3) humiliation amongst her peers. These consequences make failure highly unlikely.

3. Increase in Self-Esteem. While there is ample opportunity for self-expression and artistic creative outlet in the second grade, Sweet Pea feels her innermost expression of beauty will shine radiantly forth from her ear lobes. In her own words, “I would so totally love it the mostest in the whole wide world!”

4. Proof of Ability to Withstand High Pain Tolerance. Sweet Pea recognizes the value you place on high pain thresholds, as evidenced by your constant admonition in times of injury, “Don’t Rub It” and “Mind over Matter: If you don’t mind, it don’t matter.”  After considering the significant risks and rewards associated with the piercing procedure, and after her mother’s attempts to dissuade her desires by describing the excruciatingly painful process, Sweet Pea is nonetheless determined to overcome her fear of guns and/or needles and/or guns with needles. Frankly, she thinks your primary argument for denial, the fact that you want to be present for the event, is both sick and ingenuine.

Therefore, in support of her request for two single ear-piercings, one on each lobe, please consider the following offer:

- 10 Kit Kat Bars (your favorite) delivered via U.S. Mail, postage prepaid.

- No financial outlay to you; Sweet Pea will finance the piercing service charges and earring purchase.

- Delivery of a full-length (2 minute) feature film ear-piercing documentary starring Sweet Pea.

Sweet Pea believes significant precedent exists at her school to support other females in her class and/or age group who have received such piercings, notwithstanding your personal predilections concerning the appropriate age and level of responsibility required for the proposed procedure.

In addition, she emphatically denies a desire to jump from any bridges, whatsoever.

Please respond at your earliest convenience, after thoughtfully considering the potential infliction of emotional distress you may inflict upon her psyche, and the indelible mark it may leave on HER MOTHER’S ABILITY TO FUNCTION ONE MORE DAY WITHOUT HEARING ABOUT THE PAIN AND SUFFERING SWEET PEA IS ENDURING BY NOT HAVING A PAIR OF COTTON-PICKIN’ PIERCED EARRINGS.

Did I mention I look forward to hearing from you at your earliest convenience?

Regards,

The Attorney Who Accepts Indentured Servitude as a Form of Payment

16 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Trackback: Guinea in the Manger « Witty Little Secret
  2. pasngasman
    Nov 20, 2010 @ 08:30:28

    Madam Attorney:

    Did it occur to you that Dad/Commander is in complete denial that Sweet Pea is growing up and would like to think of her as his little girl with chubby cheeks, drool on her chin and a cheerio in her nose and not with like totally awesome pierced ears, cool skinny jeans and god forbid males other than him expressing more interest than, “girls are gross!”? By allowing the piercing he will have to admit-at least a little, to himself-that she is growing up and that scares and saddens the hell out of him. Just a thought…

    Respectfully sumbitted,

    Denial Dad in Bend
    (with an equally growing up 8 yr old girl)

    Reply

  3. The DAD
    Nov 10, 2010 @ 04:33:46

    Ahhh….. Now THAT’s what I call Karma!

    Reply

  4. marika
    Nov 09, 2010 @ 09:26:54

    You know this is the gateway to other bodily piercings? I mean look at my daughter…and she skipped the elobes and went straight to the brow. Do we really want to encourage any more holes in their heads??(as Opa says)..But they are so cute. I may even have my first pair of apple core earrings from 3rd grade to contribute to the cause :)

    Reply

  5. Barb Cabe
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 20:21:04

    I think our daughter was a little older but after all Sweet Pea is being denied the presence of her daddy for quite a while. Be grateful if this is the only time she gets a body piercing. Lindsay’s first year at college was her second time enduring the pain of it all, the infamous naval piercing much to her dad’s dismay. I remember a conversation they had after the fact and it went something like “you had better not try that again or that’s the end of paying your tuition at UW!”

    Reply

  6. Lori Kristensen
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 18:29:31

    Wow….how could he ever say no to that??? I was laughing hysterically and am anxiously waiting the verdict!!

    Reply

  7. Wifey
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 14:53:15

    This totally cracked me up.

    However, it sounds like she’s ready. My parents wouldn’t let me until I was old enough to want it and to take care of them by myself. I was eight or nine when I got mine done and it worked out just fine.

    I sure hope her Daddy says yes! I mean… there’s chocolate on the line!

    Reply

  8. DogBoy
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 12:02:30

    Please consider she may opt for a tattoo on her 18th birthday because “she never got her ears done”.

    Reply

  9. niccolew
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 12:00:06

    Haha! Mya’s dad said “no” until she’s twelve. If things don’t go according your clients plans. They can drown in their sorrows together.

    Reply

  10. Gina Mortenson
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 11:20:37

    Commander,
    I offer a third endorsement on said petition. Besides…saying yes is going to make you sooo cool!

    Reply

  11. KissMyGrits
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 09:48:39

    Miss Sweet Pea is totally ready for pierced ears! Mimi got hers done in a random trip to the Kitsap Mall this summer. We do have a rule that she cannot wear “dangly earrings” until she is a teenager. Hoping this will be the last time she asks to pierce her body–ever.

    Reply

  12. Kim Pugliano
    Nov 08, 2010 @ 06:38:56

    Dear Dad:
    I second that emotion. She needs a little pick me up while you’re gone.

    Reply

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